The anniversary of the day I lost Isabella and almost my life is coming up on June 23rd. I remember last year around this time feeling like I just wanted this mess to be over. I was 19 weeks pregnant, bleeding and on bed rest. It was total misery. The weeks following the loss were absolutely horrendous. I was severely anemic, my muscles had atrophied from being on bed rest and my emotions were shot. I couldn’t even walk around the park without being in excruciating pain.
It all started turning around in October when I went to Wayne Dyer’s workshop in Maui. I remember sitting on the beach in Maui thinking, “Yes, I just lost a 20 week pregnancy, but here I am with my feet in the sand, watching the waves come and go while my husband is taking care of my boys at home.” My husband called while I was sitting there and the whole conversation was about how much he loved me and the boys missed me. I remember the feelings of over-whelming love encompassing me and I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world.
Now, almost a year later, I still feel like I’m the luckiest woman in the world. I was at a farewell party for one of my friends yesterday, and I got the opportunity to catch up with a lot of people I hadn’t seen since way before Isabella. I told one of my friends that at this point in time, I don’t necessarily see all the blessings from this experience. I went on to say that it’s true I feel that I am a lot calmer, have more joy and definitely don’t engage in any drama. I also feel like I’m a lot more grounded and absolutely love living. I continued to say, “I guess if I spend the rest of my life being this way, then in 30 or 40 years I can look back at this experience and say it was worth it.” That’s when the epiphany happened.
I have been in a mode of resenting Isabella for this experience for a few months now. Just the other day, I thought, someday I’ll be able to say “thank you” to her, but not just yet. Now I realize that I will be able to say “thank you” sooner than I thought. I was in the mode of feeling that this experience was way too big for the benefits. That thought is absolutely true less than a year removed. It would not be true 30 years from now though, when I have lived every day finding the blessing in it. I wake up every morning with gratitude for waking up next to a husband I adore, having kids that are fantastic, wonderful friends, living in Colorado, being able to travel, etc. Simply put, I love everything about everything right now and I believe it’s because I was given the opportunity to almost die.
Dying seemed so far away when I was 35, but it almost did happen. So now I say, “Forget the drama, life is too short to worry about the small stuff.”
I say to you, “Don’t worry about the small stuff either! Enjoy every moment and find the treasure embedded in every experience. Trust me, there is one, you may just have to search for it or be patient for it to reveal itself to you, but it is there.”
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Grateful for finding the treasure embedded in the experience of losing a 20-week baby and almost my life!