Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I am writing a book!

Here is my declaration; I have decided to write a book about my pregnancy losses. This thought has been brewing for a while now and I think that it’s time for me to share it. Ever since last summer I seem to take my time with thoughts and reactions more. I had to really think about what my expectations were from writing a book and why that would be something I’d like to do. I thought back to the first few weeks after my third pregnancy loss and remembered how much relief I got from reading Life Touches Life. That is what I’d like for my book to do; I’d like it to offer someone the relief that I felt.

I believe that memoirs tend to serve both the author and the reader. I started writing the book a few days ago and I have to say that it’s been somewhat weird re-living some of those moments that I thought I had forgotten or gotten over and I’m still writing about the first miscarriage! Can you imagine what it would be like when I get to the last one which was by far the most intense experience of them all?

The topic of shamanism has always been extremely fascinating to me. Shamanism will talk about something called “soul loss and soul retrieval.” Soul loss is the concept of leaving a piece of your soul with a traumatic experience. It sounds so harsh to feel like you lose a part of your soul so I like to think of it as an energy imprint. Something tragic happens and we leave an energy imprint behind with that experience in that moment of time. Anytime you say “part of me died that day” then you can equate that to an energy imprint or soul loss. It’s always recommended that something be done to retrieve that energy imprint so that you may become whole again. One of the methods is through a soul retrieval performed by a shaman. I have experienced a soul retrieval before and I must say it is an amazing experience. I don’t believe it’s the only method available to us though. Meditations, intentions and affirmations all work just as great as well.

I believe that with every pregnancy loss, I left behind an energy imprint. I have certainly done a few things to help bring those pieces of me back but I feel that writing this book will be the ultimate healer. I feel that it’s going to be amazingly therapeutic to write about my feelings and experience. I hope it will offer someone who has been through similar experiences some hope and relief as well.

The most amazing of all is that the magpies have left. Ever since I decided to write the book and started it, I haven’t seen them. I knew that they had come for a reason and maybe I figured it out. I believe they provided the magic and umph necessary for this new adventure. Wish me luck!

I will be traveling to Paris tomorrow. I am extremely excited but also a little nervous about leaving my boys behind. They seem to be looking forward to their huge sleepover with their friends; they packed their bags with such joy today that it helped release some of my nervousness. I am looking forward to romantic walks on the Champs-Elysees with my husband, cafes, museums, french pastries and so much more.

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A bientot!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Never underestimate your ablity to change ..

The greatest thing about a Wayne Dyer lecture is that you continuously learn from it months after attending it. I was talking to my friend this morning about something when she said “do you remember when we were in Maui and Wayne Dyer said ‘never underestimate your ability to change yourself and never overestimate your ability to change someone else’”. Isn’t that fantastic! I started looking through my notes from that weekend workshop and he had quoted Neville in saying that “if you want to elevate your life to a higher place then the only thing you have to do is change the concept of yourself”. You have to change the perception of who you think you are so that you can be who you want to become.

I am currently reading a Neville Goddard book called Awakened Imagination. He talks about the Law of Attraction without terming it that. He says “we must use imagination masterfully, not as an onlooker thinking of the end but as a partaker thinking from the end. We must actually be there in imagination. If we do this, our subjective experience will be realized objectively.” I thought this was great. Imagine yourself in your manifestation; you must assume “the feeling of the wish already fulfilled.”

Whether it’s the change we seek in ourselves or the change in something in our life I believe we go about it the same way. Sometimes, we may get the same message or sign to change over and over but then one day it clicks and that’s when I believe the change will happen. The desire to change must come from within. We may also feel like we’re on the right track with “change” but then get discouraged because things aren’t happening fast enough which is when we may give up on our manifestation.

I’ve been observing how nature goes about with its change. Every year I feel that I wake up one day to see that all the flowers have bloomed and all the leaves have come in for spring. I had never noticed the gradual change until this year. I’ve been observing the trees on the drive to school every morning and I noticed that I’ve been seeing the leaves come in ever so slightly for the past few weeks. If I don’t look closely then I may feel that tree is still barren. Nature doesn’t really do anything overnight. It takes its time with its creations; seeds take their time coming out of the ground, the sun rises gradually, leaves take their time falling off the trees in the fall and so on. Maybe that’s how manifestations work for us too; the point would be to gradually shift from one place to the other and to be patient in the process keeping in mind that we are capable of creating anything we may desire.

With that in mind maybe the change we’d like to see in other people needs to be on their own terms too. Someone may appease you for a certain period of time but unless they desire the change for themselves I’ll bet they’ll revert to who they really are sooner or later. I truly believe Wayne Dyer’s quote of “never overestimate your ability to change someone else.” I would say the “live and let live” mantra is fantastic to go by. You may ask yourself why you’d like someone else to change anyway; what’s in it for you and why not accept them for who they are?

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Contemplating how I could be the best I can be!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

When do you apologize?

I mentioned before that I have my husband thinking in blogs and I absolutely love it! He suggested this blog to me.

Our oldest son is very strong and somewhat big for his age. I feel that sometimes he doesn’t realize the strength he actually does have and may hurt someone without intending to just because of his size. He was playing tackle tennis ball with his friend if that makes any sense. The game was to knock the tennis ball out of the other person’s hand and get it. If they had to tackle each other for it then so be it. Well our youngest son decided to play with them as did the friend’s sister both of which were younger and smaller in size than my son and his friend. First our youngest son gets hurt then the girl gets hurt both by our oldest. My husband and I called our oldest son to have him apologize to his brother and the other girl but he adamantly refused to do so. His point was “they chose to play this game with its rules, I didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t want to apologize.” Of course we were appalled because in our mind it just isn’t right to hit a girl even by accident.

We went in circles around this subject for hours. Our son said that he didn’t hit her, he was playing the game that she chose to be part of and he kept saying that if the same thing had happened to her brother it wouldn’t have been an issue. We tried to tell him that if someone gets hurt by accident then the right thing to do is to apologize. Finally after many threats of taking away everything he came around and had my husband right an apologetic email which her mother read to her. So did we really teach him anything or did he just want to be done with us and keep his brand new baseball cleats?

Ever since I thought about writing this blog I’ve thought about how many times a day we as adults hear or say the words “I’m sorry”. I have to say a lot! “I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention and didn’t hear you, I’m sorry you don’t feel well, I’m sorry your baby kept you up all night, I’m sorry you’re so stressed at work, I’m sorry your kids are practicing on two different fields the opposite ends of town” and so on.

So here’s the question; do you apologize when in your heart you feel that you’ve done nothing wrong? Do you tell someone you’re sorry for their situation when you really don’t feel bad for them? Do you just say the words to make someone else feel better even if they are not genuine? I would say from personal experience that I would find that very hard to do. I think if someone told me that work was stressful I’d say “I’m so happy for you that you have a job!” I will say that I am sorry the person feels bad if they were sick or had some misfortune happen to them.

I would say though if I need to apologize for something I don't believe I did wrong that would be next to impossible for me to do. So then the questions are 1) if I’m that way then why would I expect my son to do anything different and 2) is this something I need to work on to make myself a better person?

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Hoping not to have to say I’m sorry today!

Friday, April 16, 2010

So who's got the greenest grass anyway?

"I'd love to have your life" and I would always say "But then you'd have to accept my standard of living". Isn’t that a fantastic statement? I read it in the book An Exact Replica of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. While in Orlando my sister-in-law got me interested in reading memoirs. She’s an avid reader and said that she’s been hooked on them for a while. I saw this book at Costco the other day and it was about the author losing a child to a stillbirth and then proceeding to have another child. I thought I would be interested in reading something about that but I realized that I am done processing what happened to us with Isabella and honestly I would just like to move on. Nevertheless, I always get something valuable from anything I read. I have been thinking about this statement since. It seems to be human nature to look and say the grass is always greener on the other side. Well what if you were on the other side then the grass would be greener on this side. So when does it ever end?

If you wish to be in someone else’s shoes then you have to take on their entire life not just bits and pieces of it. Let’s say were to truly listen to someone else’s story I’d bet at the end of it you’d still keep your story and your life. I was watching Wayne Dyer’s “Excuses Begone!” PBS special last night where he said that everything that happened to you in your life was a must because it actually did happen. In other words, every experience is a necessary one for your evolution otherwise it would not have happened. It seems like everything I’ve ever been through good or bad has taught me something that was amazingly valuable to me. I can’t say that I have learned from other people’s experiences because I truly could not relate. Even someone who has had my same experience cannot claim to have learned from it what I learned either. My brothers and I all lost our dad when very young; I guarantee for each of us the experience was totally different although it’s the same person we lost.

There’s something to be said enjoying everything we have and being grateful for it. Ever since I can remember my mom has been saying to me “don’t worry about what anyone else has just worry about you.” I attended a parent education night at our school where the facilitator said that it is our job as parents to constantly reinvent ourselves. She said that we needed to look within and better who we are. I would like to extend that to say it’s not only parents that need to do that but everyone in every situation needs to evaluate who they are and reinvent themselves constantly. I can say from personal experience that when I do my personal best then I don’t worry about anyone or anything else. It’s only when I think I haven’t given something my all that I look around to see how another has performed.

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Being the best I can be!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

So are you using it?

I love having long hair; it makes me feel good to let it down and show off its wave. Ever since my boys were born I’ve always either had it in a ponytail or even worse in a bun where I weave my hair within itself. I will let it down when my husband and I go out or when I have some function to attend. It’s actually pretty shocking to a lot of people who normally see me in a ponytail with the comment being “I had no idea your hair was this long!” A few months ago, I noticed a woman at our school that’s always carrying her three year old child around. This woman’s hair is always let down, never in a ponytail and her daughter actually grabs on to her hair like a toddler would a blanket. I decided that from that day I would constantly wear my hair down too. What’s the point of keeping it long if I never enjoy it? I can tell you that I’ve made it a point to do that for a couple of months now and I love it! It’s actually so freeing to me I can’t even begin to describe it.

I started thinking about everything else that we own and never utilize. In one of Wayne Dyer’s lectures he talked about the 80/20 rule. This rule says that 80% of what you own or especially what’s in your closet you never wear or use however it’s the 20% that is utilized over and over. How true is that? We went to Orlando for eight days and packed enough clothes to not have to do laundry. I did laundry three times while I was there and all four of us grabbed the same t-shirt, shorts, and pants every time they were clean. We could've packed a quarter of what we took. This also applies to the eight water bottles I own; I find myself reaching for the pink one with the smaller spout every time and if it’s dirty then I clean it and use it. So why not get rid of the other seven?

There’s a joy that comes from taking care of the things you have and utilizing them. We planted a garden for the first time last year and I truly believe it thrived the way it did because my husband gave it so much of his attention. He woke up early every morning to water, weed and take care of the garden. He does the same for his car. Our kids feel very comfortable spilling milk, juice and whatever else in my car but never in dad’s car. The reason for that is the respect he has instilled in them for his car. I only wish he loved our garage as much as he loves his car! Even my family mentions to me how great it is that my husband totally utilizes everything he buys. Our youngest son is that way as well. My mom will say that she loves buying him toys because he plays with them so much it actually makes you feel good.

I remember buying five books at one time thinking that I’ll get to them eventually. The truth is that most of the time I never get to that third, fourth or fifth book. Then why buy them?

I attended one year of homeopathy school while pregnant with my second child. This school offered a two-year homeopathic certification training program. My objective of going through homeopathy school was to be more comfortable giving my kids homeopathic remedies and no more. I myself have had a lot of problems with antibiotics and such so I wanted an alternative for my kids. Although I knew at the end of the first year that I was done I still bought the most expensive software available at the end of the year. I often think about that software that’s just sitting in my cabinet and it actually makes my stomach cringe a little.

I have been getting better though. I will stop before buying something to ask myself whether I will really use it or not. We were at a dinner party the other night where someone was talking about how she dreaded when her husband went to Costco and the fact that they had Kleenex coming out of their ears. My friend moved to the Emirates a couple of years ago and she was shocked by the fact that they had no storage space anywhere. She actually got rid of a pair of maternity pants because there was no place to store them and she wasn’t for sure whether she was going to have another baby or not. I’m thinking about all these stories right now and trying to simplify what I bring into our household. I’m saying if I know it’s not going to make the 20 in the 80/20 rule then I’m not buying it!

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On my way to Target, we'll see if I pass the test today!


Monday, April 12, 2010

The magpie's nest

This past weekend we watched a magpie build its nest in our beautiful blue spruce tree. Last year we were fascinated by this beautiful bird. Every time we saw one everyone would gather around the window to watch what it was doing. On Saturday, it moved in and brought its friend. The fascinating thing was that it took all day meticulously building its nest; it flew to all corners of our yard looking for the perfect twig or branch to build its home.

I have my husband thinking in blogs now; I love it!! This morning he said to me that I should blog about the magpie with the context of “be careful what you pray for you might just get it”. I asked him to elaborate on that which is when he said “last year we were fascinated by these birds and wanted them to come around, now that they’ve moved in we just want them to leave”. These birds are totally beasts; they chase squirrels, drive away little birds, they have completely dominated the backyard in just two days. My husband asked me to consider if we wanted to have these magpies in our yard at all costs. In other words we see these beautiful creatures but give up all other wildlife because they will drive them away.

I am not about to break down their nest but I am wondering why they have moved in this year. Last year, I saw five magpies swoop down, land in our yard and take off after a few minutes. Why didn't they stay then?

I truly believe that nature has much to tell us in the form of signs. I love Dr. Steven Farmer’s book called Animal Spirit Guides which talks of the messages animals are trying to give us. According to Dr. Farmer, some of what magpie’s message is “act on any and all opportunities that present themselves to you without hesitation” and “pay attention to signs or omens as they will serve to guide you”. I also love to interpret messages from animals. When you read any interpretations remember that certain things will jump out at you and make sense; keep in mind that is really the message for you. I also looked up magpies on the internet to find out they have been associated with magic and superstitions.

My friend came over yesterday, when I showed her the magpie she proceeded to recite the One for Sorrow traditional children's nursery rhyme about magpies “One for sorrow, Two for joy, Three for a girl, Four for a boy, Five for silver, Six for gold, Seven for a secret never to be told, Eight for a wish, Nine for a kiss, Ten for a bird you must not miss”.

So what’s my take home message from all these messages? I would say that last year I mostly saw one magpie at a time so I totally believe that message was of sorrow. The five magpies swooping down were maybe foreseeing silver but I also believe they were talking to me about watching out for signs. The fact that they have moved in this year is probably a sign that I should really pay attention to what they are trying to tell me; maybe I’m a little denser and I need constant reminding. Anytime I’m in the backyard one of them is swooping down and landing right in front of me. I believe it’s for me to truly remember the magic I have within and to use it wisely. I’m starting to rev up my classes again, I’m getting into doing more readings and I love writing this blog. I’ve taken a little bit of a break since last year but I feel the message is “get back into it and take it on full force.” There’s also a message for my husband and kids from magpie but that’s up to them to figure out. I also feel the “two for joy” message is a welcome one in our household for the year 2010.

I’m going to let nature take its course with how long the magpies are going to stay in our yard and if that means we don’t see squirrels the whole summer then so be it. I’m sure when they are satisfied with the fact that we got their messages they will move on to the next family that needs to be reminded of the magic within.

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Off to weed the garden and hang out with my new friends the magpies.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

What would Walt think?

Disney’s Magic Kingdom is missing its key element; magic. We’re in Orlando to visit with my brother and his family but also to enjoy the parks especially Disney’s parks. We took our five and seven year old boys to Magic Kingdom yesterday and encountered everything but magic. We encountered crowds, overpriced everything, heat, long lines and rides that were not worth the wait. Our boys stomped their feet after four hours of being there and riding two rides declaring that it was time to leave. My oldest said “what’s so magical about this place anyway Uncle Ziad’s place has more magic than this junkyard”.

I wonder what Walt Disney would think if he heard a seven year old declare that Magic Kingdom was a junkyard. Is that what happens when we lose sight of the vision and try to accommodate everyone instead? I remember visiting Magic Kingdom several times before and it truly was magical. The first time I walked those grounds I was 15 and I was in awe of everything I saw. My husband joked yesterday that there were so many lines that we were in line to get to a line. The entire park was lines; lines to get from one place to the other, lines to get food, lines to get on rides, lines to get off rides, lines, lines and lines. I believe that park would have been capped at half the amount of people that were there yesterday. Would it not be acceptable to turn away a few thousand people to preserve that magic of Disney that once was?

I try to always have a positive twist on life. I’m going to say that it was the belief that they are sharing the “magic” with everyone and not greed that prevents Disney’s management from putting a limit on the amount of people allowed in the park at once. Everywhere I turned yesterday some parent was frustrated with their child threatening them that they are going to leave at once if the kid didn’t shape up. I thought about how many times I did that but how come I never followed through with my threats? It’s simple really I was going to stay there until I got my money’s worth. After all we spent $315 just to walk in the door. Easily it’s a $500 day for a family of four so by gosh the kids are going to love it. I had to stop and think about that and realize that my kids had a much better time at the Easter egg hunt my sister-in-law put together and building a 15 piece Lego boat that was in their Easter basket. Why is it that I wanted to force magic on them that was really not there? My boys are happiest swimming, playing tennis and throwing footballs. What made me think that they would be missing anything if they didn’t go to Disney?

My husband was totally against going to Disney all along. I had to admit to him that after the terrible experience yesterday that he was totally right. He asked me how those words tasted coming out of my mouth to which I replied “like sour vinegar”. I’m just kidding! I’ve admitted that he was right before at least once.

Disney may be a magical experience for some but for us it was “sac, sac, sacrifice” as my seven year old put it. The answer for most kids is that they love simplicity. It’s only when we want to impose our thoughts on them that they start rebelling and acting up. Wait isn’t that the way all humans are? The take home message for me is to simplify and enjoy the small things which bring the most happiness anyway.

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Going outside to play water balloons and bubbles with my boys. I’ll bet there won’t be any foot stomping today!