Friday, June 11, 2010

Fear ... what to do with it?

I had a reading done on Tuesday evening. I wanted to hear from my pup to make sure he was doing great. My friend did the reading for me and she was amazing. She picked up on the fact that I smelled the towel that I had wrapped him in on the way to the vet every day since he passed; she picked up on the fact that he never lost his puppy spirit and that he always faked a limp to get some attention. He was so cute with that fake limp and I had forgotten all about it. He would do it every once in a while and it was totally convincing. Then when offered a treat, he would totally forget his limp and run to get it. It was so great to remember that! Before the reading I knew in my gut that he was OK, but I wanted that validation from someone else. I felt so light and happy.

Then she started channeling messages from Isabella. I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone, but I am at a place where I don’t really want to know what Isabella has to say. I feel like that chapter of my life is over; I’d like to just have peace and happiness. Nevertheless, I did get some messages that made sense. She said that I may have chosen this experience so that I can help others who may go through a similar situation. She said this experience has also made me realize how strong I truly am. Louie, my oldest son, had done a reading for me before where he said that Isabella had changed her mind. My friend validated that for me as well. She felt like it wasn’t necessarily destined to have this outcome, but that was something that Isabella chose along the way. All these things make sense, but the experience itself seems way too big to justify the gain out of it. I still feel that I’m at peace with what happened though because it is in the past and I’m not one to dwell there.

After my two boys, I never contemplated having a third child. I was content with the two highly energetic ones I had. I got so many messages to have another child that I felt like it was a must to respond to those feelings. However, now, after this experience, I have an intense desire to make our family bigger. If my husband would go for it, I would adopt two children. It sounds crazy, but it’s almost like now I want to have that other kid or kids, darn it!

I mentioned this to my friend and told her about my desire to have more children. That’s when she said that there was another baby coming and she’d be extremely surprised if I didn’t have another one. That statement brought such fear to my entire being that I didn’t know what to do with it. I realized how much fear it invoked in me because what I actually heard her say is, “she would be surprised if I did have more kids.” My friend, Jacqueline, was with me during this reading and she promptly corrected my assumption. I can’t even imagine nine months of wondering whether this baby was going to make it or not. My kids want another child, I want another child, but at this point in time I lack the gumption to try to have another.

This is where I’m at today. Do I allow fear to stand in the way of what it is I truly desire? I have never let fear stand in the way of anything I wanted to do before. It’s not like it wasn’t fearful to announce to the world that I was psychic, or to parachute out of an airplane, or to parapont off the side of a mountain, or to deliver my second child at home and so on. I have definitely tested myself and I know for a fact that I have gumption. Will I have the necessary gumption to go for another pregnancy? I guess only time will tell.

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Choosing to enjoy the messages I got from my pup!

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