Sunday, July 26, 2009

Man in the Mirror

Why is it that I haven't listened to any Michael Jackson songs in the past 10 years but now all of a sudden I've been listening to his songs like crazy? Anyway this morning while listening to the lyrics of "man in the mirror" I started to think about the words he was saying.

This is the part of the song that really caught my attention:

"I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change)"

I started thinking to myself how true is that? If we all started to make the change we want to see around us then wouldn't this world and then in turn all of us be in a better place? It's much better to act on the ideas we'd like to see then to spend time being in judgment about them.

My oldest son was in kindergarten this past year. He goes to a Waldorf school where kindergarteners are called Golden Knights. The teacher spends time with these kids every week teaching them about good deeds and how to effect change in their community. One of the activities they did was to pick up trash in the school's neighborhood. I loved that act of kindness back to our Earth and community. My son was not in shock due to this act because this is something I've done around him before. I always have 2 bags with me when I walk; one for trash and the other for recycling. I have done this for years. It feels good to give back especially to our earth.

I think Michael Jackson was definitely on to something so let's get on that bandwagon! What's the change you'd like to see around you? Is it less poverty? Is it cleaner streets? Is it a better school system? Nothing is too big for you to accomplish if you put your mind to it.

What do you think? Let me know your thoughts by posting a comment below, emailing mary@marysalfi.com or posting a comment on my Facebook account.

I'm starting with the woman in the mirror!
Mary

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Coincidence? I think not!

I’ve been through grief before. I lost my dad 22 years ago and still grieve over his loss until today. I am not na├»ve enough to think that after my pregnancy loss I would not have days of total sadness and overwhelming grief. I have definitely been in that state the last few days. I’m just irritated and sad.

I decided to get a book to help me through all this so I picked up “Life Touches Life” by Lorraine Ash. It is a very heartbreaking and heartwarming story of a mother’s journey after delivering a stillborn baby at 9 months. She wrote about so many things that have been bothering me but I haven’t really been able to place my finger on. It was good to read that someone else had the same feelings that I am going through. This book totally allowed the shift I have desperately needed to happen. I felt that through this woman’s journey I was able to glimpse into the future to a time where it wasn’t so painful.

In the last few pages of the book she mentions that she was talking to a woman who had recently lost her baby. That woman had named her baby Isabella Rose which immediately caught my attention of course. The author shares with the mother the following wisdom through her own journey:

“You will keep seeing the world differently from this time forward. You will speak, feel and love differently. Isabella is the difference between your old self and your new one. Isabella will be the intangible presence in every beauty you behold. She will be the light over the mesa, the sound of the water in the bay at night, the memory of a years-old embrace that brings you comfort. Now I think of the wind as the breath of every baby who was never born.”

When I finished reading this paragraph I started to wonder if my Isabella had sent me this book so that I can read this paragraph and know that she is still there.

I also started to wonder about all the changes that I see happening within me. I just seem to care less about things being perfect which has given me such freedom. I don’t care as much if the beds are made or the toys are picked up. I would rather leave it all and go to the Children’s Museum with the kids and afterwards to the Aquarium for lunch like I did today. Now, at lunch I play the games on the placemats they give the kids and I color the pictures with them. I have patience to build a 272 piece lego airplane that my brother sent my kids. My answer to the kids asking for a toy at the museum or to play an extra few minutes on the playground is “sure honey, why not?” That sense of rushing to get the next thing has left me. I am where I am at the moment I am there. Such peace!

I’m sure that I will continue to have my moments of being down but for right now I feel good and I’m going to enjoy that moment.

I appreciate all the emails I have been getting from everyone after reading the blogs. I read everything and I do respond even if not right away. I love to hear from everyone. You can comment below, email me to mary@marysalfi.com or comment on my facebook site.

Peace,
Mary

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Back in the saddle again!

I teach a 7-month program called Spiritual U. I take my students through a journey of self-discovery. We have had to take a few breaks during the class due to my bed rest stint and subsequently the loss of the pregnancy. We resumed the classes yesterday. It was awesome to be back in the saddle again. My students wanted to know how I was doing and feeling. I was honest in saying “I have good moments and bad moments or more like good days and bad days”.

While processing the events of the past few weeks the concept of free will came up. They all know how much work I did with the law of attraction and positive thinking to try to get this baby through. The question was “do we have any free will or any power to change the outcome of something or is it pre-determined and going to happen regardless of what we do or think?” My answer to that would be “I honestly don’t know”. I’d like to believe that we have the ability to change the course of our lives and better the outcome of any situation we are in. I do feel though that we all signed up for certain life experiences which will help our soul evolution. Maybe at the time we are going through the experience it seems like it’s out of our hands but I do believe on some level we always had control over it even if that control happened prior to our incarnation. The thought that came to my mind the other day was that the life experiences we asked for are going to happen and they will be tough to go through but that is ultimately going to lead to the most soul evolution as well. Anything and everything that happens to you will allow you to evolve but it is usually through the trials that the greatest growth occurs. I honestly would not want to deny myself that opportunity. This has not been an easy experience for me but it has offered me an opportunity to look at things differently. I always tell my students “life will happen to you but it’s a choice as to what you’re going to do with it”. Life is meant to be up, down and everything in between. No one will live their whole life with one emotion. Life is emotion which is what makes it so incredible. Would I have rather not had this experience and had a baby instead? Of course, I would have!

A couple of weeks before losing the baby I started to get the feeling that this was going to be the outcome. I thought to myself that if that were to happen I would lose my faith and was terrified of that concept. After all, my spirituality is what brings me the most peace. The funny thing is that it really hasn’t made me lose faith at all. I can’t deny the presence of my spirit guides and the comfort they provide. I can’t deny the presence of God in everything. All I feel is sadness that this happened. I feel like I wish I could fast-forward to the time where it doesn’t hurt as much that’s all.

I was talking to my husband tonight about doing some volunteer work which has always been my passion. I volunteered all throughout college. I devoted time to a children’s hospital, a battered women’s shelter and to the Red Cross. I loved every minute of the time that I gave these organizations. I feel that it’s time to go back to that right now. Maybe that’s another one of Isabella’s blessings; helping me to go back to some of the things that brought me great joy at one point in time. I mentioned in the post before that Isabella has brought great blessings into my life so far and maybe there's tons more to discover. I definitely look forward to that.

I would love to hear your thoughts on all this! Let me know what you’re thinking either by posting a comment below or sending me an email to mary@marysalfi.com.

Peace,
Mary

Monday, July 6, 2009

Isabella Marie

My previous blog of finding joy in every moment lived comes from some wishful thinking this past week. I was pregnant until Tuesday, June 23, 2009 when I delivered my baby girl prematurely at 20 weeks gestational age. She lived for 43 minutes before making her way back to heaven.

I have thought about the reasons for this whole ordeal a lot in the past few days. I am the mother of 2 boys ages 4 and 6. About 2 years ago, a bunch of my girlfriends and I were out to dinner. The drinks were flowing and we were having a wonderful time. I was asked at that moment if I was going to have any more kids and my slightly-sauced state answered with extreme conviction “no – I am extremely content with my family”.

And that’s when the overwhelming signs from the Universe to have a third child began. That night I dreamt of having a baby girl all night long. A few days later the name “Isabella” popped into my head. I got a spiritual magazine in the mail called Isabella. I opened a Pottery Barn Kids magazine where a picture frame caught my attention; the name engraved below was Isabella of course. At Staples one day a little girl runs into the aisle and looks right at me. She was probably no more than 4 years old and stood less than 10 feet away. While wondering where her parents were; I hear her mother calling for her - should I tell you or can you guess what her name was. The signs were relentless.

Anyway, these messages from the Universe kept coming at me for 6 months before I broke down and took the “plunge” and tried to go for it again. My feelings ranged from terrified to somewhat excited. Well after trying one time, I got pregnant. Immediately I knew that something was wrong; I just knew I was going to miscarry. Sure enough I miscarried at 9 weeks. I told myself that it was ok and that we’ll just go for it again and it’ll all be ok. After getting over my anemia and fatigue we tried again 2 months later this time to miscarry at 15 weeks. We actually were going in for a routine ultrasound only to find no heartbeat so a scheduled D&C took place for the following morning. I thought at this point that there’s no way I’m ever going to try again but the feeling of having that baby had its grip on me and wasn’t going to let me go. So I decided to go about it the spiritual way. I read books, I journaled, I meditated, I logged my dreams, I sorted through my feelings, I did Psych-K, I went through EFT, I got acupuncture … I did it all or so I thought. The end result was go for it again! This time it’ll work. The reason all the other times didn’t work is because of my hang-ups of having another baby. I thought I had worked through them.

Well, apparently I didn’t work through them. Anything that could’ve gone wrong in this last pregnancy did. I had a 1 in 200 chance of getting placenta previa but I got it. I had a 1 in 100 chance of getting placenta abruption but I got it. Through all this, the baby was strong and growing magnificently. I was put on bed rest and pretty much stayed on it for about 9 weeks. It was tough but I found things to do; I uploaded music, I created this blog, I created a Facebook fanpage … I am not one to sit around a feel sorry for myself.

Then the unthinkable happened. I went into labor and delivered Isabella Marie Salfi on June 23, 2009. She was perfect in every way. I have gone through too many emotions to go through them in this blog. The biggest question that comes to my mind is “did I misread the signs?” and “what in the world did I just go through and for what?”

I may never get the answer to these questions but I do know that Isabella has given me a few gifts so far:

  • I almost lost my life on June 23 so I feel like I’ve been given another chance at life. I feel that the page has been turned and the pen is in my hands to write the story the way I want it to be for the rest of my life.
  • I feel that I have had an opportunity to realize that joy is in every moment of my life if I choose for it to be there.
  • I feel that my husband and I have been given the opportunity to remember how much we love each other and to keep our eye on the important things.
  • I feel that I won’t procrastinate until tomorrow what I can do today.
  • I learned that I’ll never tell someone that they “should” do anything ever again. What an extreme word to use; I feel it’s loaded with a lot of disappointment.
  • I learned that I won’t try to tell someone how to grieve; it’s different for every individual and it can never be wrong.
  • I'm looking forward to discovering more as time goes by.
On the other hand, I miss the thought of what might have been. I wish that Isabella had made it and was the addition we were looking forward to having in our family. She will never be forgotten and she will be my born angel forever. I look forward to seeing her again but not any time soon. I have to get back to living. My emotions are by no means healed but I am trying to find the blessings in life. I am needed by 2 little boys and a wonderful husband.

My heart goes out to every mother who has lost a child. I will love my Isabella forever.

Peace,
Mary

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Joy

I’ve done a lot of soul searching this past week mostly thinking about joy. Where do we find it? Is it in everything that we do? How come some of us seem to experience it more than others? Is it a choice to have joy?

Those of you that have been to my classes have probably heard me talk about our life lessons often referred to as contracts. I believe that we all come to earth with a set of lessons to learn. These lessons may include finding joy, receiving, giving, setting boundaries, having value and self worth … etc. I believe that we are presented with opportunities to help us conquer these lessons. I like to refer to these lessons now as life experiences after listening to the teachings of Abraham.

Those of us that have this “joy” contract have to work hard at being happy. Some may say “what kind of a contract is that?” How hard is it to be happy? I say it’s very hard. We all have our set of challenges and for some being patient is next to impossible. Saying no to someone and setting that boundary may be the most difficult thing for you to do and simple as can be for another. That’s why we all have our own unique set of contracts to master. What’s a challenge to you is not for another so the greatest service you can do for yourself is find out what your lessons are in this life.

Back to my joy contract; after this week, I realized that joy is everywhere. Joy is getting a hug. Joy is in the sun shining and in the rain falling. Joy is in going out to dinner with your spouse. Joy is in reading a book to a child. Joy is in riding a bike. Joy is in swimming. Joy is absolutely everywhere and in everything.

I used to feel like I had to look for joy and actively experience it. I felt like I had to go on a fancy vacation to have joy. Joy for me was in the holidays and weddings.

I have re-evaluated that concept and decided that joy is in every breath and every moment. So my promise to me is that I will experience joy in the moment rather than wait for someone else to get married or have a baby.

What do you think?

With joy,
Mary