I’ve been through grief before. I lost my dad 22 years ago and still grieve over his loss until today. I am not naïve enough to think that after my pregnancy loss I would not have days of total sadness and overwhelming grief. I have definitely been in that state the last few days. I’m just irritated and sad.
I decided to get a book to help me through all this so I picked up “Life Touches Life” by Lorraine Ash. It is a very heartbreaking and heartwarming story of a mother’s journey after delivering a stillborn baby at 9 months. She wrote about so many things that have been bothering me but I haven’t really been able to place my finger on. It was good to read that someone else had the same feelings that I am going through. This book totally allowed the shift I have desperately needed to happen. I felt that through this woman’s journey I was able to glimpse into the future to a time where it wasn’t so painful.
In the last few pages of the book she mentions that she was talking to a woman who had recently lost her baby. That woman had named her baby Isabella Rose which immediately caught my attention of course. The author shares with the mother the following wisdom through her own journey:
“You will keep seeing the world differently from this time forward. You will speak, feel and love differently. Isabella is the difference between your old self and your new one. Isabella will be the intangible presence in every beauty you behold. She will be the light over the mesa, the sound of the water in the bay at night, the memory of a years-old embrace that brings you comfort. Now I think of the wind as the breath of every baby who was never born.”
When I finished reading this paragraph I started to wonder if my Isabella had sent me this book so that I can read this paragraph and know that she is still there.
I also started to wonder about all the changes that I see happening within me. I just seem to care less about things being perfect which has given me such freedom. I don’t care as much if the beds are made or the toys are picked up. I would rather leave it all and go to the Children’s Museum with the kids and afterwards to the Aquarium for lunch like I did today. Now, at lunch I play the games on the placemats they give the kids and I color the pictures with them. I have patience to build a 272 piece lego airplane that my brother sent my kids. My answer to the kids asking for a toy at the museum or to play an extra few minutes on the playground is “sure honey, why not?” That sense of rushing to get the next thing has left me. I am where I am at the moment I am there. Such peace!
I’m sure that I will continue to have my moments of being down but for right now I feel good and I’m going to enjoy that moment.
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