Thursday, March 24, 2011

The winds of change

When I lost the baby a couple of years ago, we had her cremated. At the time, it didn’t feel good to do nothing with the body and a burial just seemed a little too much.

For the past month or so, I’ve been feeling the need to scatter the ashes. I just feel like that cycle is done and it’s now time for us to move on.

I would avoid looking up at the shelf where I had them stored and I just felt like holding on to her just didn’t seem right for either one of us.

Heading to the park

My husband came home for lunch this past Monday and we went to the park to scatter the ashes. It was a weird walk to the park. I had so many emotions working that I didn’t know where to start with them all.

It was a beautiful day with sunny blue skies and a slight wind. It was also the first day of spring. I thought to myself that it was truly symbolic of what it is I wanted to feel.

Spring is about rebirth and renewal. That’s how I wanted to feel. I wanted to let her go so that she can do whatever it is she needed to do and I wanted a new page turned for myself.

I couldn’t help but realize that I held some anger and resentment towards this baby. After all, I had so many messages to have another child. I felt like I was duped, because otherwise why would I be at the park scattering ashes and not at home playing with a baby.

My husband said a few nice words and asked if I wanted to do the same. I said no, I just wanted to be done with it. I thought to myself, I’m probably going to have to revisit this issue again someday, but for right now, taking this step was good enough.

All the emotion finally hit me

It was only after I got home about an hour later that all the emotions hit me. I called my friend whose mother had lost a baby as well. She completely understood my emotions and listened to me cry my eyes out.

I dried my eyes, threw some water on my face and went to get my boys from school. That is the life of a mother after all; you just sometimes need to get on with it, regardless of what it is you are feeling.

The wind’s effect

The wind had grown stronger by this point. I’ve always thought the wind aggravated me. It just does something to me that I can’t explain. I get irritable and cranky.

It’s only after I read my friends blog about her feeling the same way about the wind that I realized, I wasn’t alone in all this.

According to another friend’s explanation, “Strong west winds produce positive ions, which if you look it up are irritating. (Versus negative ions that are found by waterfalls - pleasant and peaceful.) Some cultures have even forgiven certain lawbreaking activities during these winds."

I had to think about that statement later. Maybe that was the cause of the extreme anger and irritability I was feeling later that day.

Another friend commented that maybe the wind will carry the spirit of those who have died to heaven quicker. I thought about that as well. Maybe the wind that day was an indication of Isabella’s spirit finally leaving completely and going back to heaven where it belongs.

Is it a coincidence I ended up with a really bad cold on Tuesday morning? I don’t think so. There was definitely some purging to do and here it is.

Yet among it all, plenty to celebrate

There was definitely a lot to celebrate this week though. My son’s birthday was on Tuesday. My big boy just turned eight. He is such a great kid.

Him and his brother truly bring joy to my heart like I never thought possible. He wanted his dad’s excellent chicken tacos for dinner and of course, I had to get some fabulous desserts to top that evening off.

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Looking forward to a smoother road ahead!

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