23 years ago ...

I've written about my dad so many times in my blogs, I'm sure you've realized how much of an influence he was and still is in my life. I love my dad so much and miss him so much all the time. He passed away 23 years ago on August 14, 1987. It seems like it was such a long time ago and yet I remember the details of that day as if it were yesterday. I was 13 years old at the time and thought the world of my dad. I can’t say that it came as a shock to me that he passed away since I’d been having feelings about it happening for about six years prior to the actual day.

I totally knew it was going to happen …

I have always been intuitive and I believe one of my earliest memories of getting a “hit” was knowing that my dad would pass away. I actually remember being about seven playing in the sand and I just knew. It made me sad for a whole lot of years. I never was able to tell anyone my feelings or fears because I didn’t know how to describe them myself. About two months before he passed, I would hear a voice in my ear telling me that it would happen. I remember moving my head and expressing, “NO!” Yet the feeling never went away.

My dad was the coolest!

I must’ve cried for four years non-stop every single day. I remember being in an extreme state of sadness all the time. My dad was the coolest. He was the dad who would leave work to oil my roller skates. He called the school principle once and told him that we all needed to go on a field trip to check out the icicles that had formed on the trees along the median right by our school. It was one of the most incredible sights I’ve ever seen until this day.

I have memories of my mom and dad holding hands and taking an evening walk together every day. He was always helping someone or doing something for someone. He was the guy who made the salad in our house. He always made a great lemon, olive oil and garlic sauce to go with it, we call that “zoom” in Arabic and he always scooped the zoom for me in pita bread to eat at the end because I loved it so much.

While in Lebanon this past summer, I went to go visit my aunt (my dad’s sister) who had just suffered a stroke. While sitting there, her husband asks her to look at me and tell him who she saw. He told me that whoever knew my dad would know that I was his daughter because I looked so much like him. He told my brother and me that he had lost a lot of people in his life, but only two people’s passing had affected him greatly, one of which was my dad. He told us the he has a picture of my dad in his home so that he could remember to live his life with the highest ethical standards and morals because that is what my dad represented to him. I felt honored to listen to my uncle talk about my dad in such a fantastic way. I am always eager to hear stories about my dad, because I was so young when he passed away.

I have accepted it but it doesn't mean I like it

I read a book called, “Healing Grief” by James Van Praag about four years ago. I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with grief of any kind. It helped me move through the phases of grief with my dad to a much healthier one which is where I am at right now. I don’t know that I’ll ever be fully “over it” or healed, but I can say that I have accepted his passing but I miss him all the time especially the night before the anniversary of his passing.

I miss you and love you dad more than words can express! I am patiently waiting for the huge bear hug that only you could give.

Mary